Friday, November 16, 2012

I'm thinking of writing sympathy & get well cards

I'm thinking about getting into the sympathy card business. By that I mean writing all the beautiful thoughts and feelings that go inside sympathy cards.
I've been told that I have a nak for saying things other people would never dream of saying to anyone, let alone someone who needs a sympathy card.
That was all the encouragement I needed to hear. I began writing.

One of my good friends was having a horrible time with her uterus. I won't go into it but, it sure made me glad I didn't have one. When her doctor told her it had to come out, she was excited. She'd already had her kids and she was sick of having periods. She couldn't wait to get rid of it.

When she woke up in her hospital room after the surgery, this card was waiting for her.

Dear Uterless, (That's not her real name)
My condolences to you on your loss.
I was so sorry to hear that your uterus didn't make it.
I know that it's little comfort now, but we need to remember
that your uterus had a rich and wonderful life.
We are but Mortals. We will all, someday,
make that lonely trip to pathology.
Take comfort in that I'm sure your uterus is in a far better place now.
A beautiful place, where your uterus can sing and jump and
play with all the other little uterus's.
If you ever feel a void within, try and think of the good times you
and your uterus shared together.
Things will get better.

She laughed so hard she popped a couple sutures or something and they had to take her back down to the operating room.

Now I have to write a sympathy card for a sympathy card.


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

This past Veterans Day made me wonder if anyone was familiar with the name Joe R. Hooper?

Joe Hooper was one of the most decorated soldiers in US Military history. He is the most decorated soldier of the Vietnam War.
He was awarded the Medal of Honor, two Silver Stars, six Bronze Stars, eight Purple Hearts, the list goes on and on.

In 1977 my father introduced me to him in a VFW hall in Seattle. I got to shake Joe Hooper's hand. It wasn't until years later when I realized the significance of who I had met that day.

Arguably the most decorated soldier in US Military history. Think about that for a moment.

Joe Hooper died in 1979 at the age of 40 from a cerebral hemorrhage.
Let's not forget who Joe Hooper was.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I've been published in the humor anthology, My Funny Major Medical! Three of my stories were included in this book by My Funny Books and Bauu Press. They are: Butt Smoke, Don't Be Fooled By The Cold, Blue Body, and Stop Smacking The Little Guy.

Contributing authors are columnists, comedians, authors and TV writers. The eBook is only $2.99 for a limited time, so buy one now! Available at and Barnes & Noble. Click here to read it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A Lesson in Humor: If You Can Laugh, When You Lose Your Nads...

My dad had a great sense of humor. He showed me many times the value of being able to laugh at yourself and the world around you.

When he was diagnosed with late stage prostate cancer, one of the first procedures he had was a bilateral orchiectomy. I'll save you from looking it up, it's the surgical removal of both testicles. (because it feeds the cancer)

I was there when they wheeled my Dad out of the operating room after the procedure. He gave me a dopey, post general anesthesia grin and asked the surgical nurse, "Was it a boy or a girl?"
She laughed and said, "You had twins, honey."
He chuckled, "Yea, I bet they l looked a lot alike."

Now this is a man who didn't smoke, never took anything stronger than an aspirin, didn't drink heavily, and minutes after having his first general anesthetic, he has the presence of mind to fire off a primo joke about just having his nuts lopped off.

That, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what’s called, a sense of humor.

I miss you Dad.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

How Do You Deal With Death?

Not long ago, I saw a question from someone who was in the early phase of EMT school. He wanted to know how experienced EMS workers deal with death on the job. He also wanted to know what he could expect concerning crying on the job.  That's right....

This is what I wrote back to the lad.  What would you say?

Question: How do you guys deal with deaths on the job?
Answer: You do your job. Death is a part of that job. You do what you are trained to do.
Seeing a lot of death can and will change you profoundly though. You think about it, talk about it, reason and rationalize, form your own opinions and beliefs, develop your own personal way of dealing with it, and then you pack it away in a nice safe place...because here comes another one.

Personally, this is how I deal with death on the job. I drink 7 or 8 big bottles of booze, spike my hair with grease, and run naked across the field in sports stadiums filled with people.
I've found that trying to outrun 10 or 20 cops is a good physical outlet for my stress. And...BONUS...after you get tazed six or thirty times, you sober right up and there's no hangover. But hey, that's just me. Everyone needs to find their own way of dealing with workplace death.
Of course, I told the kid, "I'm kidding! I never spike my hair."
This is EMS Life Lesson #482. "You cannot take yourself, or life, too seriously. You gotta have a sense of humor. If you don't, nobody will want to work with you, and you won't be around long."

Question: Do you cry on scene if someone dies? Maybe a young kid?
Answer:  I used to cry on the job almost every day-every time I paid for a meal, stuck food in the microwave, or was about to put food in my mouth, and we would get a call.
Did I cry on scene? Wha...ah...NO!  I usually waited until late at night, when I was all alone. Oh, and it had to be very dark, because I make some really stupid weird faces when I cry. We all have to let our emotions out. But nothing says I have to watch myself do it.

Question: Have you cried on scene?
Answer: What kind of TV shows are you watching? Have I cried on scene...what the...NO! I mean I did that one time when a tiny little female patient kicked me in the nuts so damn hard, I still don't know where my left testicle went.
No. If I ever started choking up, I shut it down hard and fast. If you're thinking so much about what's going on that it's making you want to cry...then you're not busy enough, you're not doing your job, you're not focused on patient care enough, or staying twenty steps ahead of everyone else. Like my Dad used to say, "I'll give you something to cry about!"

Question: Are you allowed to cry or tear up anyways... on scene, or in the back of the ambulance when dealing with patients?
Answer:  Allowed? If your partners, and the people you work with, don't understand that having leaky eyes is natural, that's it is healthy, and that at some point, everyone needs to let it out, then there's something wrong with them.
Don't get me wrong, if someone is sobbing and blubbering all over the place, 3 or 4 times a week, then yea, I think they need to wee wee wee themselves all the way into another profession.

Death and taxes dude, death and taxes.

32 Things Laughter Does

32 things laughter does,
that you may not be aware of.
1. Lowers blood pressure
2. Increases oxygen in the body
3. Decreases anxiety
4. Burns five calories per hour
5. Decreases pain in lab mice
6. Makes brain release dopamine (sex, gambling, sex)
7. Helps immune system
8. Feels really good
9. Builds trust and rapport among people
10. Makes some women pee uncontrollably
11. Makes some women take their clothes off
12. Releases endorphins-the body’s natural pain killers
13. Makes chimps jump up and down and shake trees
14. It’s contagious
15. Improves function of blood vessels
16. Reduces road rage and feelings of anger
17. Is unavoidable when taking LSD and other hallucinogens
18. Gets men out of trouble. Second only to flowers and diamonds
19. Makes abdominal muscles hurt
20. Is the only exercise couch potato’s get
21. Makes people wonder what’s so funny
22. Draws a crowd
23. Causes explosive expulsion of food from oral cavity
24. Causes explosive expulsion of carbonated fluids through nasal cavity
25. Promotes peace and good will
26. Enables people to keep sanity
27. Has no effect on wild stampeding herd of elephants
28. Causes spontaneous flatulence during sex
29. Related to thirty-two choking deaths per year
30. Has antidepressant qualities
31. Great way to pick up chicks
32. It’s free